>> Friday, September 11, 2009
The professor wanted us to have the character for our short short or flash fiction piece developed. He gave us a prompt for our first piece and I din't want use Lucy so I had to start making a new character. Hopefully this works I am sick and I have been trying to get the text to copy and paste but the paragraphs end up mixed up.
Emily Alone With Her Thoughts
Today my therapist said I need to self reflect, I need to get to know myself. Since the day my mother was murdered I have hidden my true self. I have tried to live a normal life with limited emotions. All the hurt and anger that I have hidden for years is like a monster waiting to be unleashed. I told my therapist about my past but not about the things I do to keep from looking insane. I started seeing her because I do love my husband and I don’t want him to see the ugly side of me. When I let the feelings I have for him out and the feelings he has for me in I somehow feel like I am loosing control. I don’t want this to hit him like a ton of bricks. I can feel happy sometimes when I am with him and that is the best gift anyone could give me.
When I was 12 my mother was killed by a man she brought home with her. She was not a great mother but I didn’t know that then. She did what she could and that included supplementing her meager income by bringing men home. She drank a lot too but she was never abusive or mean to me and she kept the men away from me. I didn’t have a lot of rules so I was out late one of many nights and I when I came home there was a man in my home. He ran when he saw me. The newspaper said that my mother was strangled to death by a thief, but I knew better he had been there before.
I hate thinking about the past, it feels like I died that day. That man haunts my dreams, maybe if they had caught him I wouldn’t feel this way. I feel the need to control my every thought and the fear of letting go of this control is eating away at me. Mrs. Brown my therapist told me that I will have to face the past to move on to a meaningful future but I don’t know if I can do that. I have made it to 30 years of age without facing my demons, how in the world am I going to do it now.
I started out telling my self that worst things have happened at least he didn’t hurt me. As I started to understand more about what my mother was doing I was surprised nothing happened to me with her clients in the home most evenings. After my mother was killed I got to live my teen years with my very loving grandparents. They tried very hard to help me grieve for my mother and to embrace my feelings but I tried to run away from all feelings then. I loved them from a distance and they always worried about me. They did their best and I would do anything for them except give into the evil growing inside me.
The evil is not some sort of separate entity it is just sheer anger and rage that builds up inside me. I have no where to put it anymore it has out grown the box I put it in. I blow up for now reason or for something as stupid as Eric putting the dishes in the dishwasher wrong. I can’t loose the only man who has ever made me feel happy because I am loosing control of my anger.
The really evil part is that I hope to meet this man again someday I want to kill him. In my dreams I kill him or get killed by him. I don’t want to kill anyone else I am not completely evil but that thought is in my mind every time I go to the past, every time I wake up form a nightmare. I want him dead if I ever find him I am going to kill him slowly, I am going to make him suffer.
I know it is wrong and I hate myself for thinking this way. After 18 years I should be able to let go of this but I just can’t. When I was young I would imagine that I found this man and blew him away with my grandfathers’ shotgun. I didn’t know how to use it the gun let alone get it but the thought of the murderer dead somehow comforted me.
How do I face this side of me without letting the world see, without letting Eric see. I don’t want him to know this about me. I want him to see a sweet caring woman who loves him. I don’t think I do a good job at that image but I have been trying since we married about a year ago. I will do anything not to loose his love not to loose that look in his eyes that speaks loud and clear that he loves me.
That is where the problem starts, he still gives me that look but now he has a look of fear. Fear that he might say the wrong thing to upset me. Fear that he might do the wrong thing or even the right thing but in the wrong way. My issues have started to affect him and the way he sees me. When I realized what was happening I began to see this therapist who wants me to get to know myself. The dishwasher incident was bad I had a huge, screaming fit because he put the glasses on the bottom rack but I couldn’t explain why they went there just that they did. His face was so shocked at my outburst and quickly turned to sheer hurt at my insensitivity. He would never tell me how much I hurt him nor would he cry in front of me. After I calmed down I went to him and told him I was going to find a therapist in the morning to help me deal with my anger issues. I told him that he was not to blame and that the dishwasher thing was not a big deal at all. I think that helped but I still don’t think it will ever be like it was. Maybe if I work hard enough at this he can trust me again but for now I will have to work on building the trust back.
That is my motivation if I have to dig up what has been buried for 18 years I will do it for my marriage. I can’t say I am looking forward to this but next session I am going to the therapist all of this. It is not like she can tell anyone else and if she is good at her job she can help me. I hope I don’t have to tell Eric about what I talk to her about, these are my secrets. He knows the history but he doesn’t know what it has done to me. Now that I am here and have been thinking about this I am wondering if the reason that I am having issues is because I found someone who stirs up emotion in me like now one has since my mother died. That is something I have been thinking that in order to truly love him I have to feel and not feeling much is how I have gotten this far.
I am done rambling I will just have to ask the therapist. I need to read to keep my mind off this until I get to speak to her again. I need to find a way to harness what I have let out until I know how to deal with it.