Journal Entry October 9th: Nightmares

Today I am starting a journal entry section here on my Dark Novels blog. These posts will help me to develop some characters. They will be full of my emotions and thoughts but they will also be rather fictional at times. I am going to explore my deepest darkest thoughts as well as what I think others dark thoughts would be. To be honest I want to ad the fiction element so I can use parts of me more openly and no one knows what is fiction and what is not. Please don't ask me to break it down for you.

October 9, 2009
I am tired today, I didn't sleep well. I had that nightmare again; same theme another story. My husband cheating on me this one was strange as many of them are. He went to live in a college dorm or something, who knows why, I only remember the cheating part. This one was a little different thought and probably reflects a change in my own thinking. I gave him a "her or me" ultimatum and one week to decide. Usually I am begging him to change his ways and showing my desperation. This time I could still feel my desperation in the dream but I stood up for myself. I wanted change, and desperately wanted to save the marriage but, I was not the poor helpless victim this time.
The worst part of these dreams is how real they feel. There is no possible way my husband is cheating on me unless he is actually doing it on work hours. Most of the time we are together, working or sleeping.It is however my deepest fear it is even worse than death for me. I would rather die than live through this. I would rather he die than leave me for someone else. Now I am not a total nut I don't actually want him to die it is my journal so I am telling the truth. I don't want to die either but i just can't imagine life without him. We have had so much turbulence in our relationship I don't even know why I feel so dependent on him.
I feel like everything will fall apart if we are not together. I have been living a lie. I tell everyone everything is okay when it really is not. We are just two beings occupying the same space, we barely talk. It is becoming hard to remember what I used to love about him. I am sad all the time. The depression reaches out like the scythe of a grim reaper pulling me down into the pit of despair. Then I see a glimmer of hope now and then and I hang on or ride a small wave until I can no longer fool myself.
Maybe I just over think everything I just don't know who I am any more. I need to learn who I am and what I want to be. That is part of why this dream took a turn, I have changed from thinking I could love my husband into changing to deciding that I am going to fight for my marriage but from now on it is going to be on different terms. I just have to figure out what those terms are.